Strong Lungs, Sore ears
Our little guy had developed a
scream. It started out as a loud "Hey, I have a voice" scream, then
soon turned into a plug your ears death scream. I understand throughout a
baby's development there will be new phases, good and/or bad communication,
attachment, and emotions. While he had been going through this phase, I
personally developed a whole new level of patience. After hearing scream
after scream, there were days I wanted to pull out my hair and scream right
back at him. However, I knew that wouldn't help him or me out in this
situation. On those days where I was over my limits of sanity, I put myself in
time out and re-evaluated my approach and then happily handed him over to daddy
when he walked in the door. Those days were tough ones, moms.Techniques
We had tried different techniques that were slowly starting to work with this fun habit of his. With any negative behavior, replacing and redirecting with a positive one always takes some effort, time, and consistency. So, whenever he would scream we started to sing songs. Other techniques were saying, "Uh, oh!" then whispering "use your inside voice". I had also taught him the baby sign language for "please" so when he would scream for something I would ask him to say "Mommy, please can I have..." using the sign. Trust me it was a work in progress. I tried to take note of his behavior leading to his screams. It was becoming easier to calm him down when I learned when to expect what his needs were in the moment; if he was tired or more sensitive the chances of him screaming was most likely to happen. I also evaluated my own behavior, knowing when I was going looney and need a desperate break. In time, we were both doing better but it did take a good five months for the scream to simmer.
The Unexpected
Another factor in this scream experience that I was not prepared for was other people's reactions to the noise. Now, I know the unwritten law of proper volume etiquette in public such as libraries, church services, galleries, restaurants etc. which is assumed that the child should be gracefully escorted out when becoming a disturbance. Such places are probably not the best choice when you know your kid's a "turrets" like screamer. I, however, still have seemed to have found people that had different standards and expectations, even for small children. Unfortunately, I had terrible experiences that really shocked me. I MEAN TERRIBLE! The first experience was on an airplane with our little guy. He was 11 months old at the time, everyone was being seated on the plane and he started to do his high pitch scream. My hubby, sister-in law, and I did everything we could to keep him busy, feed him everything we had, toys, books, and singing songs. We got the ugliest glares that trip and even an inconsiderate gentlemen who mouthed "I hate you" to my baby as he was attempting to play peek-a-boo behind my seat. Real life people! I know how inconvenient we were for people, but honestly "I hate you" to a baby? I was shocked and I had never EVER seen my husband so upset with someone for being so immature. Another experience was in the McDonald's Wal-Mart when I had my hands full with a soda in one and ice-cream cone in the other AND I was trying to push a cart with my son in it. My son let out a scream and a random elderly gentleman yelled back at my son. I was so embarrassed as I sat down at a table, not saying anything back to this man, and watch others snickered behind my back. Embarrassed enough, the people snickering came up to this gentleman and comforted him by saying, "Children should be seen and not heard." I am not making these stories up. I finally lost it with my last experience when I was kindly ushered out of the HALLWAY at church when my son was being "too loud" and the classes could hear him. I left church to sit in my car in the church parking lot humiliated, crying, and hurt. It was the last straw for me.
I wasn't expecting these tough situations to happen. Looking back now, more rational and less sensitive, I can see what was really going on: one, I was trying to prevent my child from screaming, two, I had been expecting other people's tolerance level to be at my own, and three, embarrassing enough to say that I had developed anxiety and fear of offending others and did not want to leave my own home. Here I thought I needed to teach my son coping skills when in reality it was me. I was trying to control my son so others wouldn't be so rude toward my family. After many days and nights of worry, I was ready for a change. I needed a game plan.
Changing My Behavior
I realized my son's "inconvenient behavior" was not the end of other people's reaction to Reece's future behaviors. Heck, he hasn't even hit the 2's yet. He's gonna have tantrums and tears! Then what, he'll graduate to actually yelling real words, have fights with friends and the unborn siblings, bullies in schools, and heaven forbid the teenage years (kill me). I know I'm getting ahead of myself but what am I going to do then? Hide us from the world until he's 18? Be angry at any rude comment someone freely gives? Act like a victim and feel miserable?
My original plan was packing my purse with earplugs and whenever someone had an issue just handing them a pack and saying, "deal with it!" HAHA! Could you imagine their faces? I would never have the guts to do that and that would only be a temporary solution. My real plan was this, first, I apologize. Yep, there is something about being sorry or wrong that changes your attitude. Such phrases went through my head like "I am sorry my baby's screaming is bothering you," "I'm sorry if his scream is hurting your ears", and "I'm sorry that we are annoying you". This helped me own up to what I was contributing which was bring my child in public who happens to be loud. After the apology, you get to choose how to react to their response. This is the hard part! As I have learned, people are not as accepting when they are irritated. My options are to walk away angry, say a cutting remark back, be offended, etc. or I can walk away feeling sorry for the person. Not feel bad for my accidental behavior, but that person was so easily irritated by a baby that surely their cup isn't full. It's owning up to what I'm doing and then allowing others the opportunity to chose their actions, even if it's not up to my level of expectations. It comes back to everyone's agency. Remember everyone reacts differently and this is how they have learned and choose to cope. It helped me not take their actions so personal.
Last, I had to learn the forgiveness part, you know, like the hardest part of this whole scream thing. After being so angry, embarrassed, and frustrated the last thing I wanted to do was to forgive these people. After the last scream storm hit our family, I received this quote from a family member,
"Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness but because you
deserve peace."
This process had not been easy for me. Children read our emotions and feed from our energy. We deserve to have anxious-free lives, and better yet our children do too. I am slowly learning we are not done learning. We can't protect them from everything but we can help by modeling healthy behavior when ugly situations arise. If you have had similar experiences with people's comments or actions toward your babes and/or you, you are not alone. Life is too short. Find a good friend and vent it out to them. Learn to be wrong and get you some peace back into your life. Be kind to others, you don't know what they might be going through. -Cami
