Get yourself a Wise Man or Woman

Hi! It's personal time.  I want to share with you a great coping skill I have learned throughout the last 3 years.  Before I was married, I suffered from occasional anxiety and intense panic attacks. I finally made the decision to see a counselor specialized in youth and family therapy.  Best decision EVER! If you have an inkling to get some extra help in your life-GO SEE A COUNSELOR!! If you had a bad experience with a counselor, go see another one. Just like all doctors, you need to find a good fit for you. Don't give up, again GO! I was lucky to find a great one, it is worth it!

My counselor recommended the book Real Love, by Greg Baer.  I am not saying this book is for everyone, but it gave my life a new perspective and changed my way of thinking. It answered my 'Why?' questions and reasons for my behavior. In order to find real love, unconditional love, happiness, or whatever you want to call it, it is done by understanding the following sequence: Truth->Seen-> Accepted-> Loved. Truth is recognizing your 'getting' and 'protecting' behaviors that we do to feel loved. In the beginning it is difficult to figure out ourselves (especially when we are hot headed, angry, or anxious) and finding a "Wise Man/Woman" is your answer.  In order to understand the concept, first you need to read the story.  To save some time I found it online from the  www.iloveulove.com. Here is the story straight from the website. Enjoy!

The Wart King
by Dr. Greg Baer

(From "The Truth About Relationships")

Once there was a rich and beautiful kingdom that stretched beyond the horizon in all directions. But the prince of that kingdom was very unhappy. He had warts all over his face, and everywhere he went, people teased him and laughed at him. So he mostly stayed in his room, alone and miserable.

Upon the death of his father, the prince became king and issued a decree that no one -- on pain of death -- would ever laugh at his warts again. But still he stayed in his room, ashamed and alone. On the rare occasions that he did go out, he put a cloth bag over his head, which covered his warts but also made it difficult for him to see.

After many years, the king heard about a wise man living on the top of a nearby mountain. Hoping the wise man could help him, the king climbed the mountain and found the old man sitting under a tree. Taking the bag off his head, the king said, "I've come for your help."

The wise man looked intently at the king for several long moments and finally said, "You have warts on your face."

The king was enraged. That was not what he'd come to hear. "No, I don't," he screamed. Ashamed and angry, he put the bag back over his head.

"Yes, you do," said the wise man, gently.

"I'll have you killed!" shouted the king.

"Call your guards then," said the wise man.

"My guards aren't here!" shrieked the king helplessly. "I climbed all the way up this mountain to get your help, and now you tell me I have warts on my face?! How cruel you are!"

Angry and frustrated, the king ran from the wise man, falling repeatedly because he couldn't see very well with the bag on his head. Finally, the king fell down a steep slope and into a lake, where he began to drown. The wise man jumped in, pulled the king to shore, and took the bag from his head so he could breathe.

The king was horrified when he saw the wise man staring at him. "You're laughing at me," said the king.

"Not at all," said the wise man, smiling.

With his eyes fixed on the ground, the king said, "The boys in the village laughed at me."

The old man immediately responded: "I'm not one of the boys in the village. That must have been hard for you, being laughed at."

"Yes, it was," admitted the king, with tears in his eyes.

"As you can see, I'm not laughing at you," repeated the wise man.

Somehow this did feel different to the king. As he looked into the lake, he saw his reflection. "I really do have a lot of warts."

"I know," said the wise man.

"And you don't find them disgusting?"

"No, and I don't find my own warts disgusting anymore, either."

The king noticed for the first time that the wise man also had warts. "Why do you not wear a bag over your head?"

"I used to," replied the old man. "But with the bag on my head, I couldn't see. And I was lonely. So I took it off."

"Didn't people laugh at you?" asked the king.

"Oh sure, some did. And I hated that, like you do. But gradually I found a few people who didn't laugh, and that made me very happy."

The king was thrilled. No one had ever looked at his warts without laughing at him or showing their disgust. "I think I won't wear the bag when you're around."

The wise man smiled. "When you go home, you might even leave the bag here."

The king wondered aloud, "Will I find other people like you, who won't think I'm disgusting?"

The wise man laughed. "Of course you will. And with the love of those people, you won't care when other people laugh."

The king dropped the bag on the ground and went back to his kingdom, which was far more beautiful without the bag on his head. And he did find people who didn't mind his warts at all. He was very happy.

Like the Wart King, we've all learned that people express their affection far less when they see our many mistakes and flaws, especially the ones that inconvenience them. So we hide our flaws, which enables us to avoid criticism but also makes it impossible for people to see who we really are. Hiding under the bags we've put on our heads, we briefly feel safer, but we also feel quite alone, which is the worst condition of all.-

You need to find yourself a person that will help you tell the truth about yourself and will love you no matter what.  A person like this knows they have things they are working on and know they are not perfect as well. This person should be an external observer that is not involved in the situation and will not take things personal or take sides with the parties involved.  They should help call you out when you are acting like a vitcim, running, attacking, lying, and manipulating. The technique is to help you recognize expectations we set for ourselves and learn how we react when our cup is not full. The book explains when you are angry, upset or disappointed you are always in the wrong. This is caused by high expectations we put on ourselves and on others. When you recognize you are in the wrong it helps you apologize for your behavior.  The easier it is to tell the truth about yourself, the easier it will be for others to see you for who you are, and accept you!  Therefore...ta-da you will feel loved! Real, true, unconditional, good, great, wonderful love.  I am grateful to have Loni as one of my wise woman! -Cami


Do you have a wise man or woman? Share with us who and why? 
If you need a wise man/woman feel free to email your questions and concerns at momsnotestocope@gmail.com.